Rock Like a Girl!

I feel like my world is falling apart… I don’t know what to do with myself. The room mate is moving out at the end of the month… And i am looking at having to move back in with my parents. My job isn’t giving me nearly enough hours to even start to be able to handle all the bills myself… Not only that my parents lost the management position at our apartment complex so they’re not going to be able to help me either… I’ve been out of the house since I was a senior in highschool… I don’t like feeling helpless. But I’ve never felt so useless in my whole life… I’m praying, wishing, hoping that something good happens soon. Something that gives me something to live for, because I’m feeling like I haven’t felt since I was 16….

While these words are always said with good intentions… It really doesn’t mean anything. If there was ever a reason for you to worry about feelings… maybe you shouldn’t be doing that thing in the beginning. I just feel like I’m not allowed to have my own friends. I share. I do. I feel like in the course of a year I’ve lost all the friends I used to have, and now the ones that I was so proud I was making… now they’re gone to. They’re not my own. I don’t pretend to claim them. But for once I’d like to be the one people are exciting to hang out with. The one girl that practically lived with me growing up. Who I love so so so much and who is involved in all my childhood memories… you talk to her more now than I do. She lets YOU know when she’s gonna be in town. I don’t care that you did what you said you wouldn’t. I care that you lied. About something stupid. Maybe I overreacted. But you showed no signs of remorse. Now things are back to how they were when they were bad. And I don’t know what to do. I. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

A few days ago, the sister of a girl I used to be very good friends with passed away. She was only 30. 4 years ago my aunt/ godmother passed away from a heart attach. She was only 42. Nancy was my mom’s youngest and favorite sister. Since they were so close in age they were very close and in case my cousin David and I, who are also closest in age, grew up very close as well. All my life I knew David was different… His father died when he was only 3 of a spider bite, and my Aunt Nancy never put David in school because she didn’t want him to be away from her. While this did him no justice, Nancy loved Dave more than anything in the entire world. Having never gone to school, having never had to take care of himself… I worry about my cousin David often. I hurt for my mom because I know she misses Nancy. I know that David misses his mom too. He’s only 21… he’s only 1 year older than me and I can’t imagine not being able to see my mom… and I’ve been on my own since I was a senior in highschool. There are so many things in this world that I wish I could change. Things that I wish I could make better. It’s a shame that so many people die at such a young age… A boy I knew very well died in a drunk driving accident a month after we reunited. A boy I went to school with my whole life would have been 20 this month, but he died 8 years ago of leukemia. For the sake of all the people I love… If there’s a rocknroll heaven you know they’ve got a hell of a band.